The article deals with the peculiarities of the life scenario "until", According to which "in life you won't see a good thing until something not so good ends". Also describes ways out of this scenario.
To fly with the speed of thought gaia, in other words, to fly wherever you want, you need,
First of all, realize that you have already arrived.
Richard Bach. "A seagull named Jonathan Livingstone."
Attitudes that interfere with living here and now
This kind of "economy" of relationship with the world is unlikely to surprise anyone. A different situation arises if a similar pattern is reinforced in the way one treats oneself and one's own values. Wary of the shadow of a high price, which begins to follow him at every step. Everything seems immensely expensive to such a person, and until he pays the full price, he will not see anything good.
Here are examples of these attitudes people give themselves:
- I won't buy a fur coat until I lose 10 kilos
- Until I get a second degree, I will not ask for a pay raise
- Until I buy a car, I won't feel like a human being
- Till I finish my house, I'm not going on vacation
- Until I am the best of all friends and acquaintances, I can not live peacefully
- Until I retire, I'm not going on vacation
The general gist here is that the man drives himself into the rigors of work, stress, competition, struggle, and even punishment. He is convinced that he can find joy, peace of mind, acceptance and love only if he "goes through fire, water and brass pipes. And it should not happen soon at all. The follower of the "not yet" scenario is convinced he doesn't deserve a good life without paying the high price of punishment, deprivation and stress. If he suddenly gets what he wants sooner, it is very likely that he will not accept this gift of fate. For example, a similar situation is described in the following parable.
Zeus and Hera once sat in heaven and watched human life below. Suddenly Hera noticed a poor man downstairs, who was in rags and crying bitterly.
Hera felt sorry for him and turned to her husband:
- See the poor man below. He is horribly dressed and very bitterly crying? Help him by sending him money so he can eat and dress.
- I tried to help him, but he wasn't ready yet.
Hera didn't want to hear that, she felt very sorry for the man:
- You are so heartless! Help him! What's it worth to you??
- All right, darling. I'll do what you asked me to do. But mark my words, he is not yet ready...
In the midst of a white day there was lightning and a sack appeared beside the man, inside which was gold. A man was walking along and stumbled over a sack of gold, he stumbled and fell, got up, cursed in frustration, and went on without discovering what was in the sack...
Feeling one's undeserved good in life is key to the "not yet" scenario.
Often the successful overcoming of all the difficulties included in the high price does not bring satisfaction. The approaching moment of freedom, relaxation, and celebration is somehow not joyful. There is an unconscious desire to postpone the moment of joy a little, paying a little more stress and strain to surely deserve the arrival of the joyful finale.
The amazing thing is that the motivation is turned upside down. A desired result does not seem particularly necessary, because it seems undeserved anyway. At the same time, the arduous process of achievement motivates her, and the desire to continue it arises.
The above described is somewhat reminiscent of a self-punishment scheme. Instead of rejoicing and relaxing, people look for ways to burden themselves with additional challenges. They are the ones who stay in the office after hours or on holidays, when everyone else wants to hurry to "escape" home.
The "not yet" scenario can also lead to the development of perfectionism. Endless last-minute changes, improvements, reworkings, questioning. Often these are only outward manifestations of inner insecurity and reluctance to make a final decision. And the fear that it will all come to an end, that boredom will set in and there will be nothing to occupy himself with.
The undeserved good hides an inner dissatisfaction with oneself.
Berne, the author of the concept of life script, said that the latter is created in childhood under the influence of parents and other significant figures. The script is not only a life plan, but also a set of attitudes about oneself.
Self-punishment, perfectionism, unconscious craving for the hard way are all signs of non-acceptance of oneself and one's own dissatisfaction, which is the basis of the "not yet" script. It seems as if the person is waiting for approval from an authoritative or parental figure. Somebody big and important must come and stop the suffering and torment, finally allowing him to live his life in peace and enjoy it.
As a result of all this, the holder of the "not yet" scenario does not allow himself or herself to live and enjoy the "here and now". It is as if he is constantly running away from something, unable to find a place for himself. He cannot stop and relax, cannot take pleasure in what he has.
How to avoid falling into the trap of the "not yet" scenario and stay in the "here and now"?
The answer suggests itself - just allow yourself to do it.
If only it were that simple! After all, permission to stop the endless race and suffering can only come from a parental authority figure. Often a man looks for such a figure somewhere outside, unaware that his own inner parent resides within him. And he is the one who can give the proper permission. The following are questions to get at scripted parenting attitudes.
- Why should I suffer and overcome now??
- What's keeping me from enjoying life right now??
- What and to whom am I trying to prove this?
- Who would judge and criticize me if I just started to live and rejoice despite everything??
Whatever one discovers as a result of answering these questions is extremely important. These are not just words and phrases, but components of the image of the inner parent, which is responsible for the program of inhibitions and self-punishment. You can cancel this program by convincing your inner parent of your own adulthood and autonomy in making life decisions.
To finally get out of the "not yet" scenario, you also need to do one more "little" thing, which is to accept and love yourself.
It can't be done in one step. The process of traveling to that self that you can both accept and love can be like climbing a mountain.
Just overcoming the habit of berating and blaming yourself for everything will take a lot of time and effort. It will take just as much dedication to do a general cleaning of all negative thoughts about herself. Having done this, we will realize that we went only halfway, throwing off unnecessary ballast of internal negativity.
It will be more interesting and pleasant to go further, because the bad thoughts and habits of the past will need to be replaced by new positive ones. Among the new skills and the ability to thank yourself, and the habit of noticing your strengths, and refusal to compare yourself with others, and the creation of a daily collection of their own replenished successes.
To sum up, I want to point out that any scenario, explicitly or implicitly imposed on us from the outside, is not environmental. It often feels like a force that drives us from within, forcing us to behave and do things against our will. The "not yet" scenario can be undone by allowing yourself to live and enjoy yourself here and now, not just after an arduous path of hardship. It requires proving your adulthood and independence to your inner parent, as well as walking the path of acceptance and finding love for yourself.
When we forbid ourselves to live and enjoy the here and now, we lose ourselves, turning away from our true self.